With our national ode to binge eating upon us, I thought I’d share a few hard-won tips for how best to manage.
- It doesn’t matter if you follow sports. Make sure you spend a couple hours watching “the game” after eating. The NFL’s primary purpose, as any armchair quarterback can tell you, is to distract the mind from the dyspeptic roiling of your gastrointestinal system. You’ve done terrible things to your body, and it’s best not to exacerbate it. Get in the recliner, put a beer coozy around your drink, and don’t get up.
- Do you know why people where silly sweaters over the holidays? Because those are the clothes they don’t mind spilling gravy on. Do not wear your Sunday best unless you want cranberry sauce all over your Sunday best.
- If you have nieces or nephews, now’s your time to convey some deep truths to them. Think about it: their parents will be zonked out on merlot, or busy with the roast, so you have unfettered access to shaping their young minds. Some sample advice: “No matter how rich you become, even if you’re the president of the United States, even if you’re the first person on Mars, know this: everyone dies alone.” “Everyone in your class is secretly jealous of how awesome you are. They’ll never admit it, but they think about it all the time.” “Don’t go to Penn State.”
- The older you get, the harder it is to adjust to seeing far-flung family members. Start drinking at noon.
- Pro tip: go light on the stuffing and heavy on the white meat. This will leave room for cobbler, which is an old Sioux word for “heaven pie.”
- I don’t care if December is right around the corner: no holiday music at Thanksgiving. Even if grandma requests Sinatra’s “Jingle Bells.” Sorry grandma, rules are rules.
- It’s a myth that tryptophan induces drowsiness. We just say it does so we can nod off while cousin Frank drones on about the new addition to his deck.
- Nobody’s too old for “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.”
- Yes, we all know Teddy Roosevelt moved the holiday to November to accelerate consumers’ holiday purchases, and the pilgrims were a bunch of backstabbing hypocrites, etc. Do not bring this up. Chances are this is your aunt’s favorite holiday. Don’t ruin it for her.
- Why does Hollywood release crappy movies on Thanksgiving? Because after four hours of eating, you no longer have the critical faculties to appreciate good cinema. Let the mediocrity wash over you.
- If you have a family member planning on hitting pre-dawn Black Friday sales, firmly tell her that you would rather forego presents than force her to suffer through that capitalist scrum. Because no amount of gratitude can make up for the trauma induced by an army of moms battling over discounted Blu-Ray players.
- If you can, hit the gym Thursday morning. You’ll feel good about this later in the day when you pass the 4,000-calorie mark.
Happy turkey day!