Twilight’s Hot Streak Ends, What Now?

Hachette has reported a slump in fourth quarter sales due to a final slowing in the Stephenie Meyer/Twilight juggernaut. We know nothing good lasts forever, but what does this mean for the vampire trend in particular?

  • Hachette will halt production of Twilight: Lescaux: an adaptation drawn onto cave walls in rural France, then marketed as a tourist destination for tween anthropologists.
  • Robert Pattinson to go from fucking mind-blowingly hot too-good-to-be-true supermodels to mind-blowingly hot almost-too-good-to-be-true supermodels.
  • Cynical MFA students to hit Search and Replace in their ‘side projects,’ changing vampires to sea monsters.
  • Goldman Sachs to sell controlling interest in Wowzo! Inc., maker of novelty plastic fangs and grey-colored contact lenses.
  • Disney to reshoot the upcoming season of Hannah Montana, tabling the protagonist’s other “secret life” as an immortal agent of Satan drinking human blood at night.
  • Property values in Forks, Washington decrease 4%.
  • With waning interest in all things bloody and violent, local TV news will stop reporting recent murders.
  • In a surprising unintended consequence, Conan O’Brien returns to NBC.
  • Senate republicans successfully lobby to strip out hemoglobin vouchers for low-income families from the comprehensive healthcare initiative. (Thomas Frank notes that Undead Strom Thurmond curiously votes against his own self-interest on the bill.)
  • Consumers to return to reading novels written for adults.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Twilight’s Hot Streak Ends, What Now?

  1. I adore Twilight! I can’t wait for Twilight Eclipse! I’m so in love with taylor, lol.
    I still find that the first movie was better, but New Moon certainly wins in eye candy lol

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