What the Cuts at Condé Nast Mean

After McKinsey’s round of research and reporting, Condé Nast is making cuts across the board. Other magazine empires like Hearst have long practiced an air of restraint to their spending, so the belt tightening of the last year hasn’t hit them as hard as at the House of Newhouse. What can Vogue, GQ, Vanity Fair, and the New Yorker expect in the coming months? A sneak peek:

  • Free Dom Perignon in the cafeteria will be restricted to Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.
  • The lobby’s centerpiece sculpture of a 18″ golden calf will be auctioned off at Christie’s.
  • Anna Wintour must use the same limousine to commute, instead of a newly purchased one every day.
  • The Talk of the Town will solely cover Hannah Montana.
  • Golf World, Teen Vogue, and Elegant Bride to merge.
  • The Condé building will be heated during winter 2009-10 by burning unsold copies of Portfolio.
  • Graydon Carter will cease paying for haircuts, let hair grow a little long.
  • Barack Obama will be on the cover of every magazine, every issue, until we make some goddamn money around here.
  • The Waverly Inn will now admit TV celebrities.
  • GQ will no longer employ Fonzworth Bentley to just “hang around and act cool.”
  • Wired to launch special “explosions” issue guest-edited by Michael Bay, which will feature every page on fire.
  • David Remnick will ask Malcolm Gladwell really, really nicely for a percentage of the revenues from Outliers.
  • Architectural Digest will no longer employ Zaha Hadid to just “hang around and act cool.”
  • All magazines across the board to increase by 16% the amount of articles readers would like to read.

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