13 Tips for My College Reunion

In a couple weeks I’ll be returning to the verdant bosom of the Pacific Northwest for my college reunion. (Go Loggers! …sigh.) Let’s not harp on how I have yet to ride a great white shark, or how weird it’s going to be when Winnie Cooper and I see each other after all this time. Let’s focus on how I’m going to fake my way into appearing very successful to the gathered alumni.

  1. Rent a helicopter. A no-brainer. I will land said helicopter on the campus parking lot or on the football field, whichever is more disruptive.
  2. Buy a French Légion d’honneur off ebay. “How did I get this? Project Parapluie, Merseilles. Can’t say anything more, state secret.”
  3. Wear a tuxedo all weekend. To every event. Especially the breakfasts.
  4. Mention my New Yorker subscription. That’s right, I’m committed. And I look at the cover and cartoon caption contest of every issue.
  5. Bring as many conversations as possible back to something I read in the New Yorker. “Teaching fourth-graders in Montana, you say? Malcolm Gladwell has a stunning essay on home schooling and hot dog eating contests you should check out.”
  6. Wear matching socks. It’s in the details, people.
  7. Uphold every stereotype about Brooklyn and Park Slope. Rent’s a bit steep at $4,500 for my basement studio, but I get to see all the latest lesbian strollers. And Prospect Park is great now that they have the octopus aquarium.
  8. Subtly chastise anyone with kids. “There came a point where it was either accept the seed money for my NGO, or, you know, start a family… and turn my back on Africa.”
  9. Wear a wedding ring for the next week, tan, then remove the ring. The tan line, paired with my tux and the ever-present flask, will speak volumes. Volumes stitched in gold leaf and bound in Italian calfskin leather.
  10. Mention the scholarship fund I’m thinking of starting. It will pay full tuition for four years, going to the applicant the most “awesome” and “possessing of Chapman-esque qualities.”
  11. “Hold on, I have to take this, it’s my agent.” I will never specify what it is I do or why I have an agent.
  12. Punch Rick Johnson in the face, then flee to the helicopter. We all want to, I just had the balls to finally do something.
  13. Did you see that cartoon in last week’s New Yorker? Witty!

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3 responses to “13 Tips for My College Reunion

  1. Ahhh…. Mr Chapman… you never disappoint!!!

  2. Awesome. I plan on using some of these to impress people now that I moved from NY to Zurich. Except maybe the helicopter one.

  3. I’ve very much considered the helicopter one.

    I just Googled it, and this is something I got:

    “Elstree Around London Sightseeing tour:. 00 plus VAT, carries up to three passengers EC 120 – 725. 00 plus VAT, carries up to four passengers. 00 plus VAT, carries up to five passengers and four passengers in VVIP spec.”

    Well, besides the VAT, that’s a pretty sweet deal!

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