10 Wishlist Workplace Quotes

In my lifetime there are a few choice words I would pay good money to say at the appropriate time. Actually, it doesn’t have to be the appropriate time. I’d be happy yelling any of these bon mots during the energy dip of a three-hour meeting.

  1. “I will destroy you!” Ideally I’d say this while repeatedly slamming my left shoe on the conference table. Spittle would cling to my lower lip. My volume would be on the drunken-stepdad side of scary.
  2. “Unbelievable!” The main inflection here isn’t sportscaster-enthusiastic, but “I could not possibly be more fed up at this moment.” Pronounced un-be-LIEV-able. To be said while exiting the room, then the building. Return date TBD.
  3. “I’m the guy that did his job; you must be the other guy.” Film lovers will recognize this from The Departed. I couldn’t imagine a proper comeback to this line. Maybe peeing your pants?
  4. “The fact that you got this far owes more to freak chance than any talent or hard work on your part.” Imagine hearing this at the beginning of your annual performance review.
  5. “Greed is güt.”
  6. “I’m about to synergize my fist with your face!” Probably said around hour five of the office holiday party.
  7. “Rising tide carries all boats. It also drowns all of us who don’t own boats.”
  8. “That’s right, my P&L does simply say ‘a shitload’ in the profit rundown. Because that’s how much money we’re going to make!” A magnum of champagne would pop immediately after.
  9. “Well, your honor, I can say in my defense that my meteoric rise and subsequent public flameout were caused by the same thing: hubris. Hubris, of course, is the name of my embezzlement-enabling shell company.” We’ll just assume my SEC fines are just slightly less than my illegally-begotten personal wealth. A net gain!
  10. I’m fired?! You’re fired!” It would be difficult to keep my voice from breaking, but if I could pull this off, oh man. Oh man.

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